I am a walking cliché

I still have those days where I wish I had “I’m not getting married anymore” tattooed on my forehead.  Yesterday was one of those days.  Three people asked me about the wedding before lunch time, including the lobby security guard in my office building.  (How on earth did he even know I was getting married…? )

When I really think about the reactions I got yesterday, a broken engagement is about as cliché as things get.  If this sounds like a slight exaggeration to you, think about it; when was the last time you had copious amounts of people say the following to you?  (Like, repeatedly in one week.)

• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “Better now than after the wedding.”
• “You are better off without him.”
• “You’re not in love with him; you’re in love with the person you thought he was.”
• “He was always going to do this to you.”
• “He’s going to wake up one day and regret what he did.”
• “It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does.”
• “Thank god he did it now instead of after you had children.”
• “You are young, you have time to find the right one.”
• “Time heals all wounds.”
• “It obviously wasn’t meant to be.”
• “There are other fish in the sea.”
• “You’ll get over this sooner than you think.”
• “Someone better is just around the corner.”
• “What comes around goes around.”

If you run into me on the street in the upcoming weeks, please, please, please refrain from saying any of these things to me.  I know you’re trying to help, and I truly love you for it, but I get it –“things always work out for the best”, right?

There are crumbs in my bed

When you live with your significant other in a tiny Manhattan apartment there are times when you will relish having that small, overpriced, shared space all to yourself.  There is something indulgent about it.  You don’t have to share the TV remote, your take-out food or the bottle of wine you are inevitably going to make your way through.  You can do anything you want.  You can take a long shower without anyone knocking on the door, eat ice cream for dinner, give yourself a facial or dance from room to room with your favorite playlist blaring.

I think Carrie Bradshaw called this her “SSB” – secret single behavior.  Each of the ladies had one: Carrie made stacks of saltines with grape jelly and ate them standing in the kitchen reading fashion magazines; Miranda put Vaseline and Bourgasie conditioning gloves on her hands while watching infomercials; Charlotte used to study her pores in a magnify mirror for an hour each night.  And when Carrie asked Samantha “What about you Lolita?” Samantha declared there was nothing she wouldn’t do in front of a man.  Of course.

As for me, I could rarely get away with my SSB when I was engaged because it totally grossed out my fiancé.  I don’t know why he was so uptight about it; it’s not like I was fishing for pickles with my toes or anything like that.  Regardless, there was a strict rule in my former household against my secret single behavior – eating dinner in bed.

There is something comforting about crawling into bed with your dinner, the TV remote and a glass of wine.  Here are some important guidelines for my SSB: (1) take-out food is your best option because it doesn’t require dishes; (2) Asian cuisine leads the pack in the take-out category because you don’t even need utensils, just a set of chopsticks; (3) under no circumstance should the bed be made –blankets and pillows precisely in place take away from the experience; (4) a glass of wine is absolutely required (duh); (4) you preferably want to be watching something on your DVR/TiVo or, if you are extremely lucky, a marathon of your favorite show will be on…this is no time for channel surfing; and finally (5) you should not have to get out of bed for anything the rest of the evening…that defeats the purpose!

Go ahead, give it a try!  It’s worth a few crumbs.

I’m on strike

From manicures.

This is about as ridiculous as I get and I wish I was joking but I literally cannot bring myself to get one.  Not because I’m “heartbroken”.  Because I’m stubborn.  I was beyond infatuated with my nails for nine months while that rock weighed me down.  So I’m taking a break.  A girl does still deserve a great pedicure though.  Weekly.

So wait, I guess I take back what I said earlier.  The following is actually as ridiculous as I get: I pick my toe nail color based on the name of the nail polish.  And I go with colors that fit my current situation somehow.  I’m embarrassed…but serious.  It’s the small things in life these days.  Clearly.  Here are my favorites:

• Bachelorette bash
• Castaway
• E-nuff is e-nuff
• Miss matched
• Need a vacation
• Pansy
• Pinking up the pieces
• Red-y set ex
• Sole mate
• Tiny wine-ey
• Rosy future
• A good man-darin is hard to find
• Pink before you leap
• Wing it!
• You’re a pisa work
• Vodka and caviar
• Friar, friar. pants on fire!

And of course there are the colors that I avoid on principle alone: Walking down the aisle, Tie the know, Blushing bride, Mimosas for Mr. and Mrs., Otherwise engaged, Chapel of love.  Give me a break Essie and Opi!  Really?

Moments

A colleague posted this video on Facebook earlier today and I just love it.

It’s no secret that I am obsessed with finding that moment where I will be able to say “I’m over this”.  Say it and actually believe it.  But maybe instead of obsessing over when that very moment will come, I should take a step back and breathe in the moments that lead me there.  Despite the fact that this “thing” is always in the back of my head, I am truly trying to soak in each moment that helps to create the new me and my new future.  I obviously wish my life hadn’t spiraled to a place where I have to go through this but the truth is, how often do you get to rewrite everything and fill your life with moments of your choosing?  I still want that big sigh-of-relief-because-I’m-over-it moment…but the moments from here to there might be just as good.

And no, I don’t relate to the girl crying in bed in this video.  Not anymore anyway.

I actually cooked dinner last night (gasp!)

Despite my pledge to start cooking again, every time I’ve tried to make a nice meal for myself I end up feeling sad and overwhelmed by the task.  The end result is that I pull something out of my freezer and quickly nuke it in the microwave.  I somehow snapped out of it yesterday and found myself dying to get back into the kitchen (yes, even my new, weird kitchen).  Sure, I had no idea how the gas stove worked or if I was going to end up with enough food to feed a small army but I didn’t care.  I was just excited to cook something!

Following a well-deserved (in my opinion) pedicure, I swung by the grocery store (what’s that?!) to pick up the ingredients for Asparagus and Shrimp Risotto.  And away I went.  Here are 10 key learnings from last night:

1. I will never again let myself forgot how much I love to cook.
2. The Gristedes on 40^th and 2^nd does not have fresh asparagus.  Fail.
3. Risotto rice is actually somewhat expensive.  Or at least it is in the city.  A very little goes a long way though.
4. Recipes that come in ounce measurements are annoying.
5. Why would you ever buy shrimp that needs deveined?  That just seems silly / gross.
6. Cooking risotto is extremely time-consuming and requires your constant attention.  I highly recommend having an open bottle of wine close by…although I’m sure Gordon Ramsey would not approve.
7. Gas stoves are amazing to cook on.   Even, efficient…so much better than electric.
8. Reduced-sodium chicken stock is a must.  I am chugging water at a frightening pace today.
9. It feels good to finally have an answer for my mom when she asks “What new recipe did you try?”
10. I should probably plan ahead a little better: I found Trader Joe’s frozen asparagus risotto in my freezer this morning.  It takes 6 minutes on the stovetop to cook, haha.  I’m still glad I tried this recipe though!

I was sure I was going to have to say that this turned out disastrous but after about an hour of constant stirring, my risotto was pretty good!  I poured myself (another) glass of chilled white wine and took my dinner into my room to write (god, I sound like my brother!).  The temperatures in New York City have finally given us a short break from the heat so I sat in front of my open windows with a cool breeze lightly blowing across my face.  I felt really proud of myself as I smiled at my laptop and thought “This is a pretty good way to spend a Tuesday.  Even if I am by myself.”

Social Butterflies

There’s an ongoing joke in my family that my mother can make friends anywhere.  I guess it’s not really a joke though because it is absolutely true.  Take this past weekend for example.  My mom was visiting the city in an attempt to avoid my hometown on what would have been the weekend of my bridal shower.  For both our sanities I planned a full day to keep us busy and from thinking about what Saturday would have been.  (You know, the type of day where I could sarcastically declare: “This is so much more fun than opening a bunch of silly bridal shower gifts!”)  For our first event of the day, I dropped my “I’m not a tourist” attitude and boarded a 3-hour Circle Line cruise around Manhattan.  This was an ideal activity for two reasons: first, my mom loves NYC tours and second, we would be outdoors so I could work on the MFLM tan (I know I haven’t mentioned it recently but I am definitely still rocking it).  Now, as seating goes on a nice day in August, my mom, best friend and I were just a bit scattered on deck; close enough to chat but not sitting three in a row.  My mom and the gentleman behind me started chatting within seconds.  A chat that lasted 3 hours.  Of course.  As I listened to my mom swap stories with her new friend Joe, my friend sent texts from across the aisle…”Your mom has a boyfriend!  Your mom has a boyfriend!”  I should probably mention that Joe’s wife was sitting behind my friend, making our behavior that much more mature.

The point of this story?  Well last night at my New York Cares orientation, as I sat there banging away on my blackberry in a room full of young professionals doing the same, I decided to take a cue from my mom and try to strike up a conversation with the person sitting next to me.  At first he looked at me like I had three heads – this is clearly not a common social behavior among the natives in New York – but eventually we fell into a friendly conversation.  It was surprisingly easy…apparently my mother doesn’t have some keen social sixth sense; she just embraces the opportunity to meet new people.

Let’s face it; I’m going to need to break out of my city shell a little more as I move forward on my own.  Volunteering with New York Cares is twofold for me: first, it is obviously about giving back to the community I have now spent the last 7 years of my life being part of and second, it’s about meeting new people.  This is a big part of why I chose New York Cares over other volunteer efforts – all their volunteer projects are group-oriented and offer the opportunity to meet new people.

(For the record, I raced from orientation to my first Fantasy Football draft, kicking off two items from my new “hobbies” list that I posted last week!)

Wow, I would almost think I was making this up myself

I could not make up the events of this week if I tried.  First Rebecca from the bridal studio called.  Then the wedding coordinator from our resort in Mexico contacted us.  Now I’m just trying to enjoy a glass/bottle of wine by myself and catch up on my TiVo but what is that cruel Tivo recording?  “Left at the Altar” (TLC at 10 pm on Fridays)…”stories reveal instances of brides and grooms abandoned on their wedding day.”  I’m sorry but there is a TV show that documents this horror?  What kind of sadistic human being would want to watch people’s lives unravel like this?  For the record, I just used the “dislike” button on my remote for the first time.  In fact, I intend to write my cable provider a letter tomorrow outlining why a “hate” button is necessary…

I do not know what to say other than thank god this week is almost over!

On a scale of one to you-must-be-kidding-me

I really don’t mean to be difficult but how do you forget to CANCEL A WEDDING?

I’m still a bit sketchy on the details – and I actually don’t want the details of how this happened – but apparently either my ex-fiancé or the resort we were getting married at forgot to cancel our wedding.

How do I know this you ask?  Because our former wedding coordinator sent us a lovely note yesterday that began “Let me begin by congratulating you both on this once in a lifetime occasion!!” Double exclamation points.  She also did an excellent job outlining what needs done in the next two months.  You know, if we were still getting married.

My reaction was typical – an overwhelming sense of nausea, hands shaking uncontrollably and a feeling that there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room.  My friends’ reaction was better – karaoke and chilled tequila until 2:30 am.

Seriously though, WHAT is going on this week??  Double question marks.

I bet that Rebecca had something to do with this…

I think you have the wrong “bride”

Earlier this afternoon my cell phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize so I didn’t pick up.  I don’t like surprises these days.  Thank god I had the good sense to avoid an unknown caller.  Here’s the message that I retrieved a few minutes later:

“Hi You.  This is Rebecca at The-Bridal-Studio-that-can’t-keep-our-clients-straight.  I’m just calling to confirm your first fitting for tonight after work.  This is so exciting.  We can’t wait to see you in your wedding dress.”

Umm, this is awkward.  I obviously had to call back or else risk a second message from Rebecca.  Here’s how it went:

“Hi Rebecca.  This is Me.  I don’t have an appointment with you after work today.  I didn’t buy my wedding dress from your studio.  I bought it from another studio.  THAT wedding dress will actually be at my mom’s house next month.  But that doesn’t really matter because my fiancé up and left without an explanation about 10 weeks ago.  Thanks for calling anyway though; I really appreciate how quickly you just ruined my afternoon.  I would also like to point out that you are responsible for the bottle of wine I will now be drinking tonight.”

Okay, not really…I just said I didn’t have an appointment tonight.  Rebecca sounded confused so I hung up before she could ask any questions.

For the record, I’m disappointed in you Rebecca.

I need a hobby or something

I came to this conclusion during yet another sleepless night last night.  I guess it wasn’t completely without sleep; I caught a few hours between 7 pm and 11 pm.  The problem was more that I then couldn’t fall back asleep until 5 am this morning.  Regardless, I came to this hobby-related realization based on two factors: first, my social life revolves around bars and booze – and while I appreciate every second of it, my liver is starting to have a second opinion.  Second, I need something to keep my mind occupied when I start to go down that slippery slope of analyzing my broken engagement, my new and intimidating life and my overwhelmingly unknown future.

Planning a wedding took every second of free time I had for 9 months.  My days sometimes seem very long now, especially when I can’t sleep.  So a hobby seems like a good plan.  Remembering that I live in a tiny Manhattan apartment, certain traditional hobbies are not practical – like starting a collection (I personally find most collections creepy anyway) or taking up a water sport (kayaking would be cool but you couldn’t pay me enough to get in the East River).  I’m not artistic (I can’t draw a stick person to save my life) and I’m not really interested in learning to play a musical instrument (that’s what Pandora is for).  So what then?

Here is the list I came up with last night:

Volunteering: I think this has been on my New Year’s resolution list for the last three years.  Without success.  I am already signed up for orientation with New York Cares one week from tonight!

Fantasy Football league: I live at a football bar during the season but I’ve never actually participated in a Fantasy league.  So I’m in two this year and possibly joining a third if we can get 8 beauty PR girls at work interested.

Second language: I’ve always wanted to learn a second language.  The problem?  I want to learn Mandarin, which is not exactly the easiest language to pick up.  But why not challenge myself with something big?

Poker: I’m pulling out the superficial card; I think girls that know how to play poker are cool.  And I want to be a cool poker playing girl.

Tennis: I love watching the sport and although I know it’s not all that complicated, I don’t really have all the rules down.  With the US Open just around the corner, it’s the perfect time to brush up.  Who knows, I might think about taking lessons or something in the spring.

Cooking: As I committed in my last entry, I am going to cook one meal for myself each week.  The only rule is that it needs to be a new recipe each time.

BLOGGING!  It’s time to stop thinking about Unwedded Bliss as cheap therapy and commit to this adventure for the long term!