A layer of sadness?

12 Aug

I can’t exactly put my finger on it but in the last week or two there seems to be an underlying feeling of sadness to my days.  I’ve pushed whatever this is aside for days now but when I found myself crying at work yesterday, and crying when I got home tonight – something I’ve learned to control – I finally had to admit to myself that emotionally I was “off”.

There is huge disconnect between my new reality and what I saw myself, just 10 weeks ago, doing at this point in my life.  August 6th marked what would have been 90 days until our wedding.  When planning a destination wedding this becomes “crunch time”; the time when all the big decisions would have been made with the resort coordinator and our parents.  In this and the upcoming weeks, I should have been overwhelmed creating the details of our interfaith ceremony, receiving RSVP’s, finalizing our music selections, creating our cocktail hour and dinner menus, coordinating seating arrangements, selecting flowers, putting together welcome bags…and a thousand other tasks – the “wedding to do” list was never-ending.  But instead, I’m overwhelmed trying to keep myself so busy that I don’t have time to think about these things – which means, no matter how much I try to hide it from others, I am in a constant state of exhaustion.  It is truly unbelievable how far we can fall in a matter of months.

I guess I want to make it clear that I am not sad over losing the person my fiancé became but who I thought he was and the excitement we would have been sharing right now getting ready for our wedding.  It is so hard to wrap my head around the fact that I had what I always thought I wanted in the palm of my hand and then, I literally blinked, and it was gone.

I don’t think I’m expected to be over everything just yet but there’s this voice in the back of my head ticking off the time – “come on, it’s been 10 weeks” – and while I desperately just want to snap out of it and be past my broken engagement, I’m just not there yet.  My first thought every time I wake up is “Am I over it yet?”  This is a difficult and disappointing way to start every waking moment when the answer is still “no”.  I know I’m going to answer “yes” eventually but I wouldn’t mind if the universe decided to give me a break and move up the timetable on this just a little.

Contrary to what I wish for every day, I have to imagine things are going to be tougher than I would like during the next 3 months.  In less than two weeks, we would have been in Buffalo for my bridal shower; Labor Day would have marked the anniversary of his proposal; October would have been an insanely busy month of final preparations; November 6th will mark what would have been our wedding day.  There is unfortunately no way to avoid these “milestones” (a really big sleeping pill doesn’t count!) so I won’t let myself feel guilty for the feelings of loss that I can’t seem push aside.  Instead, I need to let myself cry, mourn a little for the life I thought I wanted and wake up hoping today will be a little better than yesterday.

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