Archive | January, 2011

Best line ever

30 Jan

Out (yes, again mom) for a friend’s drunk birthday brunch today (hair of the dog anyone?), my girlfriend and I found ourselves cracking up over how witty we think we are.  Yes, I know I probably shouldn’t admit this out loud but we really think we’re hilarious.  Because we are.  And we’re not technically conceited if it’s true, right?

Our crew of four introduced ourselves to the two guys sitting at our table.  Without missing a beat (okay, maybe she giggled a little bit…) said witty friend looked at the guys and, dead serious, asked “So how do you two know each other?”

They’re twins.  Identical twins.

We are sooo amusing sometimes.  Needless to say, we had had a few cocktails at this point…

Three lessons

29 Jan

Out for drinks tonight I learned three “important” things:

1.  When I’m with my brother, most men think he’s my boyfriend.  Two times tonight a guy said to me “oh, that’s your brooother” after cautiously starting a conversation with me.  (So when I caught your eye and smiled, you just assumed I was a trollop…?)

2.  Vodka sodas at Reunion bar are made with far too much soda and not quite enough vodka.  Fail.  Blue Moon it.

3.   Michelle Pfeiffer isn’t as famous as you think.  It took three of us 15 minutes to come up with five movies she has starred in.  We surveyed more people than we probably should have at the bar and no one could do it.  Go ahead, give it a try.

White is SO last spring

27 Jan

One of my girlfriends just posted pictures on Facebook from November’s adventure in Punta Cana.  In anticipation of my almost-wedding date, I did what any self-respecting gal would do.  I bought 9 new dresses.

My girlfriend gave the picture below the perfect caption: “SOOOO much better than a white dress”.  I agree!

This t-shirt was intentional?

26 Jan

 

Your/You’re seeks love match with Their/There/They’re:

Turn-ons: grammatical errors, illiteracy, intentional stupidity, run-on sentences

Dislikes: spell check, appearing intelligent, Proper English, grammar lessons

Ideal date: burning dictionaries while whispering sweet double negatives in the form of sentence fragments

Life ambition: to be a walking typo, to work for Wet Seal and get paid for poor grammar usage

 

A father, a son and an awkward encounter

25 Jan

My friends managed to score a seat and a bit of standing room at the back bar for Sunday’s football games; we were close to the TVs and breathing down the bartender’s neck – pretty much exactly where you want to be.  There was a group of men to the left of us.  They easily had a decade on my parents.  One offered me his seat but I politely declined.  I was taught to respect my elders and it’s just like the NYC MTA says, priority seating should go to the elderly.  About 30 minutes later, realizing that no one from the cast of Cocoon was going to use the seat, I staked my claim on it.  The gentleman sitting next to me made small talk during the first half of the first game and by the third quarter, he was convinced that I was perfect for his son.  Technically I was perfect for either one.  He has two.

While the angel on my right shoulder whispered “This is going nowhere fast”, the devil on my left shouted “This could be a great blog post!”

The devil won.

Conversation during the fourth quarter went back and forth between the actual game and his sons – aka, the future love(s) of my life.  He seemed excited that I was pretty much his future daughter-in-law but then he said the words that sealed my fate: “Oh, I have a picture of my boys!”   Great, visuals!  As he handed me his blackberry, there was really only one thing to say.  So I said it:

“Umm, how old do you think I am?”

There was no way his sons were a day out of college.  If they were technically old enough to have even started college yet.  He eventually coughed up their ages: 18 and 23.  (So when you said he played lacrosse at LaSalle you actually meant he plays lacrosse at LaSalle?  As in, he has a game next weekend?)

While it was apparent that the love connection between me and the newly identified jail bait wasn’t meant to be, I figured that my former future father-in-law was kind of funny and he liked talking football so I at least had a friendly neighbor for the second game.  Not what happened.  At all.  Deciding that I was clearly too old for his sons, my new “buddy” spent the rest of the night hitting on me.  (For the record, I was being nice when I said he had a decade on my parents; I think he was probably closer to my grandparents’ age.)  Now I like older men, and entertaining blog posts, but I have my limits.  I tried to keep the conversation focused on the game because, let’s face it, I wasn’t going to play cute now that his sons were clearly off the table.  I knew it was time to strategize a way out when I heard him say, “If I were 20 years younger!”  I was tempted to make a comment that “People actually say that in real life?!” but the entire encounter got even more awkward when I realized he was wearing a wedding ring.  With impeccable timing, one of the girls offered to switch seats with me.  Thank god for selfless friends!

Now, I don’t suppose there’s an age-appropriate uncle that someone can introduce me to…?

You should subscribe to this blog. “Erica” says.

24 Jan

This is a special shout out to one of my mother’s colleagues, who we’ll keep anonymous.  Let’s call her “Erica”.  “Erica” was the topic of a second phone call from my mom yesterday:

“My love, how come ‘Erica’ from my office gets an email every time you put something new on the blog and I don’t?”

Let’s just say Unwedded Bliss has one more subscriber today…

Thanks for reading “Erica”!

Happy anniversary Lovah!

23 Jan

This past week marked my seven year anniversary of moving to New York.  I remember, way back when, wandering around between classes and on the weekends both overwhelmed and excited that I actually live in this fabulous city.

Back in those early years, my brother and I had a weekend tradition of bagels and coffee at Nussbaum and Wu.  Much to our mother’s dismay, we’d roll out of bed, usually hungover, and – gasp! – throw on whatever before heading out the door (As she’ll still say to this day: “Without showering?!  That’s disgusting!”) The same woman, originally referred to as the “bagel nazi” was behind the counter every Saturday and Sunday morning.  We quickly learned the rules: 1) have your order ready, 2) don’t fumble over your words as you place it, 3) order your coffee with your bagel or else you’re not getting any, 4) have your money ready to pay before she hits “total” on her cash register, and finally 5) don’t make small talk as you pay…she’s not here to be your friend, she’s here to get you out of her line.  Both being relatively intelligent people, it didn’t take long for my brother and I to understand and play by the bagel nazi’s rules.  I’ll never forget the first time someone screwed up with the most unholy of unholy sins…they didn’t have their money ready for her.  She knowingly rolled her eyes at us as if to say “Do you believe this sh*t?”  Oh, we could not believe that sh*t.  She even cracked a smile as her finger pressed “total” and we handed over the money for our perfectly placed order.

This city is full of secret, insider tricks that distinguish New Yorkers from the rest of the planet.  Here are six more that I wish someone would have shared with me seven years ago:

  • You will spend more on alcohol than groceries.  Budget your grocery funds, not your drinking money.  Accept this now.
  • Learn the bus system.  It is far more pleasant than the subway.  Buses don’t tip the thermometer at 100 degrees during the summer.  Buses don’t flood during winter storms.  Crazy people don’t ask for money (as often) on the bus.  If you choose to ignore this advice and find yourself on the subway, that weirdo with the guitar walking from train car to train car is not trying to serenade you.  Avoid direct eye contact.
  • Always rock the Melanie Griffith, a la Working Girl, look and wear sneakers or slip-ons when walking to and from work.  You will look like an amateur if you actually attempt to wear heels between the office and your happy hour location.
  • For some reason, milk in the city has a regular expiration date and a NYC expiration date.  Don’t learn this one the hard way.
  • Understand that there are certain areas of the city that should be avoided at all costs during various times of the year: Rockefeller Center at the holidays; the Statue of Liberty during February school break; Macy’s at Thanksgiving; Times Square on New Year’s Eve.  Wait.  Times Square all the time.
  • Leave your change purse at home.  The deli clerk, the person behind the counter at the bagel shop, the guy at the register at Duane Reade.  No one will appreciate your counting .82 cents out of your wallet or pocket.  The people behind you in line will roll their eyes and knowingly snicker at you.  Newbie.

Okay former upstaters and suburbanites, what do you wish someone would have told you when you first moved to the city?

In the meantime, here’s to my next seven years!