My first “casualty”

14 Jan

It should be apparent that I haven’t locked my social life in the closet or petitioned to join a convent following my broken engagement.  I did however say last summer that I thought I would need about a year until I was ready to date and probably even more time until I could even think about an actual relationship.  These self-imposed time frames may have been a good guess at the time but that’s about all they were.  It’s impossible to predict when I’ll be ready to give love a chance again.  Not because I’m bitter or feel scorned but because love, in the form of my ex-fiancé, bit me in the ass and it’s only natural to be weary of it happening again.  And don’t even get me started on potential trust issues!

An article about New Year’s resolutions not to make advises not to swear off dating this year.  (It also warns not to resolve to find love if you were considering the opposite…)  Through the encouragement of friends, I have come to embrace being single.  While I’m not of the “I’m going to find a man and hook up tonight!” breed, I have managed to loosen up and have a bit of fun.

At a networking event through my alma mater last fall, I ran into an old friend from grad school.  Over dirty martinis it eventually came out that neither of us were in the serious relationships we had been last time we saw each other.  We exchanged a bit of flirtatious banter and then we exchanged numbers.

We’ve grabbed drinks on a few occasions, nothing serious (obviously, have you met me?) and I thought we were having a pretty good time just hanging out.  Then he broke the rules. He asked me to meet him and then proceeded to tell me he wanted more out of whatever it was we were doing.  I immediately felt nauseous.  And dizzy.  And I couldn’t breath.  Why was he doing this?  As pitiful as it was all I could offer him on the topic was a mumbled “I can’t”.  I wish he would have left it at that but instead he made some bullshit comment about shaking off my broken engagement.  To some degree, I guess I can understand his perspective – but I also made it clear to him that a statement about where I should be emotionally was not in any way his to make.  And then there was nothing left to say so I grab my coat and left.

I’ve had a few days now to think about this encounter.  In the back of my mind has been the gnawing question of whether or not I do indeed need to “shake it off” more than I have.  The answer I came up with is, quite simply, no. I go out and meet guys; I’ve flirted and kissed and hooked up; I’ve had a sleep over (sorry mom!).  And I think there’s something to be said about not wanting to put men or finding a relationship ahead of your friendships or yourself; so who cares if my focus these days does happen to be my friends and trying new things?  Not wanting a relationship with this particular person does not mean that I’m avoiding relationships altogether or even that I’m not ready for one.  Who knows?  The right man could change everything overnight for me.  But in the meantime, I’m not going to allow someone else to make me doubt myself or downplay how far I’ve come since last summer.  He was a nice guy but screw his opinion!

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One Response to “My first “casualty””

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  1. Buff and plastic « Unwedded Bliss - February 13, 2011

    […] form the headlines” story plots, (2) I don’t actually want a boyfriend just yet (hellooo!), and (3) Um, have you met my […]

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