Year two…?

13 Jun

I remember thinking (and blogging) last year on July 1st that I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that it had been an entire month since I had seen or spoken with the man I had spent five  years of my life with, lived with for two and half years and had been engaged to for nine months.  Other than his uncomfortable emails about our possessions, shared apartment lease and my ring, he had completely disappeared from my life.  And my best friend eventually put a stop to even that for me.  It was a bizarre combination of feelings…heartache, loss, anxiety; these feelings mixed in such a way that I could feel only one thing: complete numbness.

On the very rare occasion that I allow myself to think about it, I am floored that it has been an entire year since I saw that person.  He has only been “spotted” by friends on two occasions and has therefore disappeared not only from my life but from all our lives.  I genuinely say that with a true sense of relief 99% of the time; with the remaining 1%, I say nothing because I still cannot believe that I have had to give an entire year of my life to getting through something still so incomprehensible most days.

It’s not a secret, or hopefully that much of a surprise, that I got through Memorial Day (or how!) but what I’ve come to recognize is that despite my apparent aversion to “milestones” – anniversaries, holidays, birthdays etc – milestones are actually the easy part.  They endure for a finite period, always presenting themselves with a guaranteed expiration date.  And at their very toughest, they last what?  Maybe 3 or 4 days?  Most are conquered in just 24 hours.

I’ve given milestones the benefit of the doubt, managing one after the other with the goal of being able to say to myself “this isn’t anything I haven’t survived before.”  And I’m – cheers! – there.  But as Memorial Day passed this year, I realized I need to become yet another person.  For the past year it has been someone who would not allow my broken engagement to eat me alive (well, not entirely…) and now it becomes about the fight against allowing this disaster to define me.

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5 Responses to “Year two…?”

  1. Kristin Whalen July 7, 2011 at 1:26 am #

    I just had my one year anniversary! And yes for me it is still very surreal that this has happened.

    • unweddedblissblog July 13, 2011 at 3:21 pm #

      Surreal, yes, but I hope you recognize how incredible you are for making it through that year! Only better things ahead for us Kristin.

      • Kristin July 13, 2011 at 3:31 pm #

        thanks Kate!! I agree!

  2. Me July 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm #

    Baby Doll,
    Are you the same daughter I had to peel off the couch a year ago to simply leave the apartment or to eat? Ofcourse you are! You still at times are so amazed by the capabilities and determination that have guided you through these tumultuous last 13 months. I have always known you possess these strengths. Now you know!! I often say that something good will hopefully come from something bad. You, my darling, are the proof!
    All My Love,
    Me.

    • unweddedblissblog July 13, 2011 at 3:24 pm #

      I’m surprised by the person I’ve had to become but proud that I’m not that person he forced me to be those first few months. Hooray for getting off the couch…and so much more!

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