Archive | September, 2011

No plans for the holiday

30 Sep

I’m up to seven people (so far) asking me what I have planned or, better, what I did for the “holiday”.  At first I stared at them in utter confusion until I realized what they were talking about – Rosh Hashanah.  I haven’t really had much in the way of a response other than to say, “I’m not actually Jewish”.

My response has been met with blank looks until I explain that my ex-fiancé had been Jewish; this is why I had celebrated the Jewish holidays for so many years, not because I’m Jewish.

Cue the horrified looks of realizing they are responsible for bringing my ex-fiancé into a conversation.  The best I’ve been able to offer in the form of relief is a joke about 15 years of Catholic school.  Awwwkward.   For them!

Throwback Thursday: Budweiser’s Buffalo Bills commerical

29 Sep

Dear Santa

28 Sep

Quickly scrolling through my Google Reader, two words in the same blog post title caught my attention: “mimosa” and “popsicles”.  I obviously clicked.  And officially found the first item for my 2011 Christmas wish list: Zoku Shop Quick Pop Maker.

You’re never too old to believe in Santa Claus, right…?

Sure, it’s relatively unnecessary and somewhat frivolous but that’s exactly why I want it.  That and come on, mimosa popsicles!!

Glorious, glorious Monday

26 Sep

I am not even slightly exaggerating when I say I don’t remember the last time I was this happy on a Monday morning…

LET’S GO BUFFALO!!

“I’m single and need money”

24 Sep

No, this is not a line I learned from a call girl.  Instead it’s from a phone conversation I had with Citibank’s fraud protection unit last night.

Me: “Hello.  I just checked my bank account online and noticed a $614 charge that I did not make.  I google’d the line item description and it’s a car rental agency in Dublin, Ireland.  Oh, and I’m not in Ireland.”

Rep (laughing): “You’re sure you’re not in Ireland?”

Me: “Yeah, pretty sure.”

Rep: “Are you planning any sort of overseas trip?  Could that be it?”

Me: “I wish.”

Rep: “Okay, well I’m going to cancel your card immediately and start the investigation process for reimbursement.  Should we mail you a replacement card, which takes 10 business days, or would you like to pick it up at a local branch tomorrow morning?”

Me: “I’m single.  Totally on my own.  So there’s no one to get money from.  Well other than the bank.  And I need money.  So I guess I’m saying I’d like to pick up the replacement card tomorrow.”

Rep: “Oooookay then.”

Reason #273 not to call the bank after three glasses of wine.

Happy Unmarried and Single Americans Week!

22 Sep

According to the 2010 census, there are 99.6 million unmarried adults in the US which means that 43.6% of us have never been married, or are widowed or divorced.  I wonder what percentage of that number have been engaged…?  I digress.  The good news?  Single women make up only 44.9% of this figure so statistically speaking there are more single men out there than woman.  The bad news?  New York, as well as most other major metropolitan areas on the east coast, are notorious for being cities in which single women far exceed their male counterparts.  Apparently the answer to “Where have all the (single) cowboys gone?” is LA and other west coast locations.

According to the Huffington Post, “the days of Ozzie and Harriet are dead and gone and the needs and concerns of a new and emerging unmarried majority have yet to be recognized or addressed.”  While this and other sources cite the long-term economic and social implications of a growing single population that views marriage as something much different from what our parents once thought, I’m going to take this week for what it is – whether by choice or not, the opportunity to celebrate being unmarried and single!

Here are my top unmarried 10:

1. An unapologetic inability to share: my TV remote, my takeout, my closet space, my jar of pickles in the fridge, my wine, my pillows, my laptop…mine, mine, mine #sorryimnotsorry

2. Flirting mercilessly and guilt-free: I have cute friends so chatting it up with men is usually par for the course.  Out a few weeks ago, one of my girlfriends and I found ourselves in such a situation.  There was an attractive guy sitting at the end of this bar by himself and having caught his eye a few times, I declared “I’m going to talk to that guy!”  And I did.

3. Embracing life’s little luxuries: a glass of champagne on a Tuesday; crawling into bed in the middle of the afternoon with my kindle; a home-cooked meal eaten alone; listening to the same song on repeat as many times as I want; having both Tivo tuners record what I want; dancing around my bedroom while I get ready for a night out; my apartment stays clean until I’m the one to mess it up; next morning hangovers that aren’t made worse by the movement  of someone else next to me in bed; three-hour mani/pedi and massages; a judgment-free obsession with deal-a-day sites like Groupon; not having to hide (another) new dress in the back of my closet; brunch with girlfriends, and accepting that no one is waiting at home for me.

4. Comfort of knowing no one is watching: Right now I am banging away at my laptop, wearing navy zebra print boy short underwear and a see through white wife beater; I’m flipping between SportsCenter and Law & Order: SVU, balancing a glass of red wine next to me on the bed, actively ignoring the mess around me.

5. Appreciating true friendship: It took being in the most unbearable and vulnerable position of my life but I finally understood – my friends are so much more than the loves of my life; they are my life.  True friends not only share the laughs and enjoy the good times but they are also ultimately the people who hold your hand and wipe away the tears as your heartbreaking story unfolds.  These are the people with whom you are meant to spend the rest of your life with.

6. Making memories in a random and unplanned way: This past Labor Day weekend (you know, “engagement D-day”), we didn’t refer to or even reference it – instead we had nothing more than mani/pedis planned.  Afterwards we swung into a bar for bloodies, and then another for a few beers and college football.  We eventually discovered a drink called the orange crush (orange vodka and OJ) – game changer.  We went home, showered and met back up for dinner and martinis.  It eventually turned into my favorite type of night – when no single thing in particular happens but you end up having a fabulous time and talking about it for days.  Just two of us at our favorite neighborhood bars (yes mom, plural), vodka drinks, pickle back shots (plural), karaoke, flirting with boys (plural)…the hangover was so worth it the next morning.

7. Embracing new experiences is not only tolerated; it’s encouraged: sushi making classholiday BBQ in – gasp – Queens; the Chicago half marathon; splurging on myself; standing up for myself; meeting new people; meeting serial killers; volunteering; boozing up and visiting Babeland; vacationing with friends (during a hurricane); finding new hobbies; starting over.  (Note to my brother: we need to schedule our motorcycle course).

8. Butterflies: In the moments when I’m not completely overwhelmed by the idea of trusting someone again, the idea of falling in love is heart-stoppingly thrilling.  Even if falling in love last time almost stopped my heart altogether…

9. Finding “Miss Independent”: There is something to be said about finding out exactly what I’m capable of on my own.  Even when I make these discoveries through the support of my friends and family.  I regularly try to remind myself of my mother’s comment last October: “See, look what you can do on your own” – and more often than not it keeps me going.  On my own.

10. Do you really have to ask?  Unwedded Bliss!

Cheers to Unmarried and Single Americans Week!

Breath mints

21 Sep

Jon Hamm is known for being a George Clooney not-the-marrying type when it comes to relationships.  Mr. Don Draper and his writer/actress girlfriend, Jennifer Westfeldt have been dating for 14 years though and at this past Sunday’s Emmys, were asked how they keep their relationship strong.

This Mad Man shared his secret: “breath mints.”

I immediately stocked up.