11 things I learned by hooking up with boys in 2011

14 Dec

Relax, it’s not that deep.  As someone who spent my 20s in relationships, I’m pretty much in a remedial class of sorts when it comes to being single and dating.  But I picked up a tidbit or two (or 11) this year:

#1:  A 37-year-old consultant with an MBA from Columbia Business School is not as great as he potentially sounds.  Not when he changes plans at the last minute (meaning he clearly did not make reservations); is 10 minutes late; and lights up after dinner.  You sir, are not Don Draper and cannot get away with this.  (Yes, this was the outcome of last Friday’s date.)

#2:  Developing a crush on someone who lives, oh I don’t know, halfway around the world is not the smartest of ideas.  It doesn’t matter how attractive he, or his accent, are.  It doesn’t matter how much you like having him, and your shared conversations, across the table from you at brunch or dinner.  He’ll be gone within 48 hours.  Literally.

#3:  If you find yourself dodging calls from a very nice guy who is just trying to hang out with you, you should probably just admit that you don’t like him, just the idea of him…and stop returning his calls.

#4:  Sometimes you’re just in the right place at the right time.  And sometimes those right circumstances are your apartment on Thanksgiving night when your roommate is out of town.  While others were out getting pepper sprayed at early bird sales Friday morning, you were comfortably tucked away in a situation you would not have predicted.

#5:  When given the opportunity, always hook up with someone you can nickname “Jack Bauer”.  Be sure to make plenty of relevant yet inappropriate jokes about it with your friends – ie. covert operations, setting up perimeters and games of “hostage” (sorry mom but it’s true).  Make sure he shows you his government ID though; anyone can say they work at Quantico.  Beep, beep, beep, beep.

#6:  Your girlfriends were correct at brunch last summer: don’t sleep with your boyfriend from high school simply for the “social experiment” implications of the situation.  You are not a scientist and therefore not qualified for experiments of this caliber.  Thank the tiny voice in the back of your head that reminds you of this when you end up back at your place drinking prosecco post-drunken brunch.

#7:  There is nothing wrong with drinking Jameson on someone’s couch at 6 am while you watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.   This automatically gives the perception that you are cool.  Even if you aren’t.  Bonus points for his jaw dropping when you tell him you’ll be 30 next month.

#8:  There is some weird law of physics that restrains girls from deleting a man’s phone number from her phone.  I mean, how many “Do not answer” or drunk nickname entries can you really have in your phone?  Wait, don’t answer that.  I’m still counting…

#9:  I’ve said it before: Facebook is the devil.  However I would like to personally congratulate myself for only getting drunk enough to Facebook creep on my ex’s profile twice.  It technically wasn’t me though; it was the wine.  And for the record, I remain unimpressed by him.

#10:  Realize that maybe it’s time to think about taking this dating thing a bit more serious when you find yourself equally content whether in bed alone or snuggled into someone’s arms under the covers.

#11:  2012 is going to be a GREAT year!

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2 Responses to “11 things I learned by hooking up with boys in 2011”

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  1. 11 highlights in 2011 « Unwedded Bliss - January 5, 2012

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  2. 11 highlights in 2011 « Unwedded Bliss - January 5, 2012

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